1. bipolar disorder without the highs and lows
I have come to the conclusion that I have a mild case of bipolar disorder. I have been in my “manic” phase for a couple of weeks and now am in my depressive phase. Bear in mind that my “mania” is another person’s depression. My highs are on the low side. And my depression isn’t that impressive either. On really bad days, I skip the lipstick and consider driving my car into a tree, but who doesn’t? Seriously though, during my most recent “manic” phase I had this crazy amount of “creative” energy. Now when I say creative that sometimes means tearing my sewing room apart searching for the perfect fabric for another handbag-to add to my collection; or making fabulous labels, stickers and other not so useful things for my home based business; or making collages with pictures on my computer for no one in particular and wasting lots of expensive ink printing them out. I call it a creative cluster fuck because mostly it means waking around my house in circles trying to figure out what to do with this energy and getting super frustrated that I can’t figure out how to channel it. It’s like me and anxiety. It’s not about anything. It’s free floating creativity, and it’s a bitch.
Now back to my depressed self. I’m too tired to write an email. I wake up at 9:00 a.m. after getting eleven hours of sleep and I’m too tired to get out of bed. A shower sounds like way too much work, but I insist on looking good at all times so I take the shower. When it comes time to squeegee the glass doors I start crying (it’s really hard to squeegee when you’re depressed) is that really how squeegee is spelled? I drink a pot of black tea and think about going out for a latte, but decide to take half a Provigil instead. Provigil is for narcolepsy or for people who lack the ambition required for a full fledged illness, and are just really tired like me.
My sister-in-law phones for our two hour catching up call. I’m lack luster but luckily she does most of the talking. Midway through the call I take the other half of the Provigil and about fifteen minutes later I realize that my personality has completely changed. I am now a very chatty, animated, peppy person. Unfortunately she has to go, so now I am all alone with my chatty self. I decide to write an email. It wants to be a long, effusive email but I have this problem with my tailbone, coxodynia, or as my doctor calls it, a sore ass. So even though I want to keep writing because I have a lot to say, I have to stop due to the fact that I cannot sit for more than five minutes without my coxodynia acting up. So now I am depressed because I can’t do what I want to do, and the Provigil has worn off and my ass hurts.