1. multiple personality without much personality.
Recently I saw a preview for a TV show called The United States of Tara. At first I thought it said Sarah because it rhymes with Tara but mostly because I always think people are saying my name. I haven’t seen the show but apparently it’s about a wife and mother with multiple personalities. It sounds intriguing. It’s in my netflix que so as soon as I finish season two and three of The Tudors (which will only take me a couple of days, I’ll see whats up with Tara. I don’t know anything about Tara but I can relate to her a bit already because I too suffer from multiple personality disorder. I have never been diagnosed it’s just that I have all these voices in my head that I have no control over (although if you’ve been reading my other blog you know I’ve been working on that). Anyway, these voices have been around for awhile. A long while. They say things like, “You’re an idiot” or “You don’t deserve to be happy” or “Nothing’s ever going to change”. And don’t even get me started on what they say about my hips. Some of the other voices stick up for me, but it kind of sounds like they’re reading something from a book of positive affirmations, which annoys me as much as the put downs. None of these voices are very interesting. They say the same things over and over again. I sometimes want to tell them to get a life.
It has been a few days since I wrote the first paragraph of this sad post. And today I am feeling my split personality more than ever. When I started this blog I was under the influence of the previously mentioned drug, Mirapex. If you have been following me (creepy, I know) than you are familiar with my medication woes. Lucky for me I did not become a compulsive gambler, sex addict or shopaholic. But the thing is, I started a lot of projects when I was jacked up on Mirapex. It was nice for awhile to have all that energy, to have the need to be busy all the time. I spent a couple of years as a couch potato and it got really old. With Mirapex I was back in the game again, I had a life again, I was too busy to get together with friends. I joined a networking group, I started three blogs, I read The Zen of Social Media Marketing. I signed up for classes about how to publish a book, get an agent, write a query letter. CUT TO TODAY. I’m off the Mirapex and on Requip. Same idea without the OCD. With both these drugs it’s all about the dopamine, which apparently I’m lacking. Any way, as much as I liked that I was getting a lot done, it kind of freaked me out to not feel like myself. So now I’m back to the other personality. The tired, sad, hopeless Sarah. The one I have gotten used to. The one who will not be able to tweet, blog, or book face with any real consistency. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow. I’m thinking of telling her I want to get back on the Mirapex. I’m thinking she will think I’m a nut case. I’m thinking I should make an appointment with my therapist soon too. I’m thinking she knows I’m a nut case.