i have no idea what to call this mess

I so need to have my head examined. I mean seriously. What is wrong with me? I never noticed it before. Or at least not the way I am noticing it now. I so do not know how to relax. I have been blaming it on the medication. But if I am being totally honest (and I don’t know how to tell if I am because I am a really good liar) I think I have been this way for a long time. I think that is part of what got me into this mess. But back to me. I am so obnoxious. I don’t pay attention to my body. I do things I know I shouldn’t do like rearrange the entire house in one afternoon and then wonder why I can’t move. I just get so @#%# mad that I can’t do the things I think I should be able to do, because for the most part I don’t want to do big things (aside from rearranging the entire house in one afternoon). Mostly I want to do very small things. So I guess I think that I will get even with myself for not being able to do these little things by going totally crazy and walking five miles or driving to Petaluma. Yes, I think that’s it. I am punishing myself for not being able to do little things by doing dumb medium- sized or big (for me) things. I need to have my head examined. Oh, wait. I have had my head examined pretty much weekly for the past twenty-five years. “How’s that working for you?” you ask. “Not so much” I reply.

I feel like a retarded maniac. I know I’m not supposed to use the word retarded, but I think it’s okay to use it on myself. Correct me if I’m wrong. But if there ever was a good use of the word I’m it. When I say retarded maniac, I’m thinking along the lines of idiot savant. Because really, I do manage to accomplish some really good things as a retarded maniac. Like, for instance (and I know I am using poor grammar/English throughout this charming little slice of my life) you should see what I’ve done with my living room, not to mention my central nervous system. Some day I will post a picture of my living room because a picture is worth a thousand words and I’m way too tired to type that many words right now. My central nervous system, well, I’ll give it a whirl because frankly, a picture of that would just be gross. Anyway, I’ve created a hot mess there. I think I started collecting junk without noticing and then when I finally realized that there was no place to lie down or put my feet up it was too late. It’s very cluttered in there. The electricity is all messed up. Nerves are firing  all the time, day or night. My brain is constantly leaving weird messages on the answering machine that no one else in there understands. Honestly, it’s just too much blabbering, we all just stopped paying attention after a while (you may want to refer back to post on multiple personalities). I think part of the problem is that my nerve endings have not been cleaned in ages. I should probably just get new ones at this point. I could literally go on and on like this almost forever due to the whole retarded maniac thing but I think I’m going to stop before this gets weird and I embarrass myself in front of hundreds of three people.


7 responses

  1. You need to learn to relax(as I say when that entire post could have been me writing it)! I do get very angry with my self and start really huge projects as an excuse to make a difficult phone call or laundry or writing.
    I am however forcing myself to relax..bubble baths with candles at least once a week..napping at least twice a week. That one was hard because I am such a night owl and I really thought napping would make it even harder to fall asleep at night. Surprisingly it has made it easier..

    • Hi Doreen,
      this morning I sat and read a magazine while I drank my tea. What a concept. also I’m making myself go to bed earlier so I don’t stay up until midnight on the computer.
      Maybe I’ll try a bubble bath tonight.
      Thanks for your comments!

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