fat and happy (sort of, maybe)

Yesterday I bought five inch high heels and a Bollywood dance/exercise DVD. What is wrong with me? Really, I want to know what is wrong with me. Of course I have a theory and of course I’m going to share it with  you in the hopes that it helps one of us. I think I’m afraid and when I’m afraid I do things that don’t make sense. What are you afraid of? you ask. I’m afraid that if things keep going the way they are that in about two months I will weigh about 200 pounds.

Like most women I know, I have always wanted to weigh five or ten pounds less than I do. But most of the diets I have been on were to improve my health. There was the candida diet, the alkaline diet, the anti-inflammation diet, the gluten free diet and the no sugar  or refined carbohydrate diet. None of the diets made a difference in my health but it did leave me with some fun  food and deprivation issues  (long story, I’ll tell you sometime. Maybe next week).

Along with my food issues I have exercise issues. It has been a long time since I have been able run, jump, hike, dance, lift weights, jump rope, skip or do cartwheels. Actually, I have never been able to do a cartwheel just like I have never been able to dive. I hated PE and was that girl who got picked last for the softball team. So it’s fair to say that I’ve never been the athletic type. Still, I keep trying to find things I can do to keep my muscles a tiny bit toned and my skin and other things from going to the deep south. I joined Curves for awhile but I kept hurting myself (usually, it was just from getting on or off the machine. You have to be quick at Curves). When I am walking  in the redwoods and the sunlight is shinning through the tress I sometimes get this very strong urge to run down the hill. One time I did run down the hill. Mistake. Then I got the idea to just visualize running down the hill while I was walking. That takes a lot of mental gymnastics which I’m not very good at either. What I really want to do is dance. Dancing makes me feel happy and free. At least it used to. Now it it makes me feel sore.  Not just a little sore, hit by a truck sore. That may be a tiny bit dramatic. I’ll rephrase that. Hit by a VW beetle  sore. By the way, my next car is going to be a VW beetle, light blue, black top convertible (I think it will go well my stilettos and sound track to SLumdog Millionaire).

But I digress. Back to the facts. Fact: I’m afraid that in a matter of months I will weigh two hundred pounds. You may think my fear is unfounded. And I have tried very hard not to go all bat shit, monkey mind, crazy with this but the facts are stacking up in favor of massive weight gain. Over the past two years my weight has crept up very slowly. Part of this is age, part of it is  thyroid disease, part of it is not being able to exercise. Each time my weight increases I work very hard on acceptance. And just when I reach a new level of acceptance I reach a new level of weight gain.  If you are like me, and I hope for your sake you are not, you have a magic number on the scale. And by magic I mean scary, horrible and depressing. This is the number you swear you will not go above.  I am not saying what my number is, but guess what, I’ve reached it. I reached it almost over night. I’m not kidding. One day my skirt fit the next day it did not.  I have attributed this five pound overnight weight gain to Neurontin. I have only been on this drug for ten days. One of the side effects is weight gain, specifically water retention.  I am on a very low dose which will slowly increase along with, I fear, my waist, hips, thighs, stomach and upper arms. I have been in panic mode. I don’t know if the drug is working yet. If it helps my pain that would be amazing. But it occurs to me, and this in itself is disturbing, do I want less pain if it means more fat?  Yes, yes, yes, maybe, it depends on how much less pain and how much more fat.

I have a lot more to say but Bollywood is calling.

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3 responses

  1. I am probably one of those bitches you would hate. I am thin. But you would not want to get thin the way I did. Had 3 feet of intestines removed because of an accident. But anyway my poor husband has hit his ‘bad’ number. He has a bad heart but all of his med’s cause weight gain. We tried every diet under the sun. Guess what works for him? Drinking massive amounts of water and walking. He has a long way to go but so far we have wasted a lot of money on diets.

  2. Neurontin, the wonder drug. Honestly, it saved my sanity, possibly my life. In 1999 I was struck with small fiber neuropathy (long story – I’ll tell YOU sometime). My legs felt as if someone had stripped the skin off, salted the underlayers and set them on fire. Bees buzzed all over my face and my lips and nose throbbed as if someone had heated a pen point in a bunsen burner and was jabbing it there. I still have some symptoms, I still have flareups…but, Neurontin killed the pain (the pain was searing, I really thought “how can I make a case for a doctor to cut off my legs?” Seriously.) Only thing is I could not avoid the frigging weight gain. I was actually underweight in 1999 having been so ill, so we’ll give me a 20 lb. handicap. Okay. That means that I have gained roughly 60 pounds in roughly 10 years. A hideous hysterectomy sidelined me in 2002, though, and I still haven’t got all my stamina back. So we can blame sedentary lifestyle for a good deal of it too. I hope you find relief and on a small dose. I hope you don’t gain weight. I hope you appreciate the little “Neurontin drunk” that you get when you first start it and find yourself kind of missing after you’ve been on it awhile. Good luck.

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